Studies show that upwards of 70% of the average person’s thoughts are negative (Larsson et al., 2016). Others suggest that the more time a person spends thinking about the future, the more unhappy they become (Baumeister et al., 2013).

Sometimes, negative thoughts regulate us, often stopping us from doing something stupid that may initially sound like a great idea:

Should I quit my engineering job and start dropshipping?
Positive, but overly optimistic thought: YES! I am going to be a millionaire! I’m going D1 in dropshipping!
Negative, but regulating thought: Nah I think I should probably stick with my $125k / year engineering job at Lockheed Martin

Negative thoughts can also have utility in showing us that we need to take action:
Negative, disempowering thought: I feel like I am not doing anything with my life. I don’t have a job, I don’t have friends, and my nuts hurt

Necessary actions: get a job, go outside, quit jerking it 5 times a day.

Self-regulation is absolutely necessary to live a successful life, but most of the time, negative thoughts only serve to remove us from a place of internal confidence and power. (especially people with depression, anxiety, or a high level of neuroticism). To assess utility, ask yourself: Does this thought push me toward a positive action or just drain my energy without leading to change? Here are some examples:
 

• I don’t deserve my girlfriend; she is going to find someone better.
• I will probably lose my job when they see that I don’t have enough skills.
• He could have any girl he wants, there is no way he is going to want a relationship with me.
• I am not going to be able to pull this project off, I don’t have what it takes.
• So many people are more well put together than me.
• I don’t deserve to treat myself; I don’t deserve to allow myself to be happy
• I need to make myself suffer more so that I can grow.

These thoughts do not provide any utility. Once you’ve examined a negative thought and found no utility, it’s time to reframe it into a positive, yet realistic, perspective. How?

Treat yourself like a friend, not an enemy.

Let’s examine the differences between how we treat good friends when they have problems, versus how we treat ourselves.

My girlfriend is acting distant lately.
My advice to myself: She hates you; you suck, you probably need to start doing steroids, and you’re broke as hell

My friend’s girlfriend is acting distant lately.
My advice to my friend: She’s probably going through some personal stuff; it will be okay. Even if it is a problem in your relationship, you will get through it.

My career is not going the way I would like it to.
My advice to myself: I am so stupid for getting into this industry, but it’s all the same everywhere else. I am never going to enjoy working for someone else. I won’t even make it past the first round of interviews

My friend’s career is not going the way they would like it to.
My advice to my friend: You should check job listings! I bet there’s a place out there you would really enjoy working. Maybe you could even consider your own business.

When it comes to our friends, it is easier to remove ourselves from emotional turmoil and be objective. We tend to give our friends the benefit of the doubt more than ourselves, yet most people never examine how damaging our negative inner curriculum can be. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself like a friend, and to realize that some of the suffering you experience can be alleviated with a small amount of self-compassion. You CAN change your self-talk. It takes moment-by-moment awareness of your thoughts and a willingness to take control of negative emotion spirals.

The most challenging part will be to catch yourself before going down the spiral of negative thoughts and emotions. The goal is to recognize that you are beginning to get “hooked” by disempowering thoughts or emotions. As you practice this, it will become easier. Negative thoughts not only have little to no utility, but a lot of times, they are not even true. Ask yourself:

Is there any evidence that my negative thought is untrue?

• I don’t deserve my girlfriend, she is going to find someone better -> She shows me a lot of love, and we have been together for a long time.
  
• I will probably lose my job when they see that I don’t have enough skills -> A lot of people are happy with what I do, I have had this job for years
  
• He could have any girl he wants, there is no way he is going to want a relationship with me -> He continues talking to me, and I do have some good qualities
  
• I am not going to be able to pull this project off, I don’t have what it takes -> I thought that the last time, but I pulled that project off
  
• So many people are more well put together than me -> Most people have issues that I do not see, and there is a lot of stuff in my life that is going well
  
• I don’t deserve to treat myself; I don’t deserve to allow myself to be happy -> I have been kicking ass lately, sometimes treating myself is what I need
  
• I need to make myself suffer so that I can grow -> Constant suffering is not necessary for me to grow

Each time you identify and examine a negative thought, you strengthen your ability to treat yourself with compassion. To remember these concepts in each moment, we recommend adding some form of the following rules to your personal mission statement.

• I treat myself like a friend, not an enemy
• I stay aware of spiraling, and gently attempt to stop myself from becoming hooked on negative thoughts.
• I am kind to myself, and I love myself despite my shortcomings
• I give myself permission to alleviate the suffering in my life
• I will not persecute myself, and remind myself that I do not always have to believe what my thoughts or emotions may instill in me
• I approach the world with empathy and understanding
• I aim to be fully confident, not egotistical, in my abilities and value
• I will live in LOVE and not FEAR
• I choose to have an optimistic viewpoint instead of a pessimist viewpoint

These aren’t just abstract affirmations— they are strategies for self-compassion and alignment with one’s higher values. A personal mission statement is a commitment to becoming the best version of yourself. You can start by asking yourself: what would happen in the next month if I did everything that I know that I should do? There is no better way to treat yourself like a friend than to allow yourself to become the best version of yourself.

Ready to take the next step? Let us help you craft your personal mission statement. Reach out at:
CONSOLATIONSPROJECT@GMAIL.COM